Tomorrow

I live for tomorrow. What’s the next big thing I have to look forward to? When is the next trip, event, job, or goal going to happen? Over the years, I have lost the ability to just exist in today. I suppose this mostly comes from my childhood. Things were pretty rough at home, so I always found something to look forward to ~ an upcoming trip or possibly the next school break, or even just counting down the day until Friday.

Ok, everyone does this, but for me it became an obsession. I needed something to get me by through my hard times. I clung to Jesus, but I also clung for things that would motivate, inspire, and make me happy. It did work. It actually worked really well. What about now though? Things are wonderful and I am still constantly looking for things to fill me. When something finishes I am sad until I find something else to chase after. Most of this chasing in mental, but the bi-product is that I can never enjoy being in the here and now.

Lately, I’ve begun to change this. I am soaking up each day and what there is right here in the moment. I don’t *plan* to reach people, I don’t *plan* to have fun, I don’t *plan* to play with my children read stories, or *plan* to have a meaningful evening with my husband. The thing is, that I am seeing all these opportunities as they come. I might encounter someone who just wants to talk (this usually happens with people I don’t know or have never met). My children might want to be silly or just cuddle. My husband just might need for me to listen. These moments have a tendency to get lost when you are working from a schedule or trying to plan them out.

I am going to keep working at living in today. Living for what God is doing. That can’t be planned out or reasoned with. God is always working in people, for people and with people. His plan is love. I don’t want to miss something, because I am chasing after ideas.

I-- Want-- To-- Be-- A --Clone

I Want To Be A Clone
written by Steve TaylorCopyright © 1982 Birdwing Music; Cherry Lane Music Publishing Co.; C.A. Music (ASCAP)

I'd gone through so much other stuff
That walking down the aisle was tough
But now I know it's not enough
I want to be a clone

I asked the Lord into my heart
They said that was the way to start
But now you've got to play the partI want to be a clone

CHORUS
Be a clone and kiss conviction goodnight
Cloneliness is next to Godliness, right?
I'm grateful that they show the way
'Cause I could never know the way
To serve him on my own
I want to be a clone
They told me that I'd fall away
Unless I followed what they say
Who needs the Bible anyway?
I want to be a clone
Their language it was new to me
But Christianese got through to me
Now I can speak it fluentlyI want to be a clone

(CHORUS)

Send in the clones
Ah, I kind of wanted to tell my friends and people about it, you know
What?You're still a babe
You have to grow
Give it twenty years or so
'Cause if you want to be one of his
Got to act like one of us

(CHORUS)

So now I see the whole design
My church is an assembly line
The parts are thereI'm feeling fine
I want to be a clone
I've learned enough to stay afloat
But not so much I rock the boat
I'm glad they shoved it down my throat
I want to be a clone
Everybody must get cloned

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve had it right back in 1982. I don't think a whole lot has changed.
As a matter of fact, the first time I ever heard this song I laughed and thought; Boy, all those churchy people are really messed up". It wasn't until about four years ago I realized I had be signing along to a song about myself. Yikes! I am a clone. I am always thinking about how I am on a path that is so different from all of my Christiann friends" and how they must think I am a freak. I had people tell me they are praying for me to find a place "I can land" and "get plugged in". Yikes again! I don't want to be plugged in. I don't want to land. I don't want to belong to the toothbrushing ministry, the drinking coffee before church ministry, the "I color my hair"support group, the ministry that ministers to the existing ministries. .

I want Jesus. Plain and simple. I want to love others in a real way. In a rough and fumbling way that represents me being who I really am.

What does this look like? I am working on that part. I *do* know that it's about the journey and no longer about *finally arriving*

Here are a few links to articles that I think get the ball rolling... Far from clones:

http://subversive1.blogspot.com/2006/01/living-stones.html

and

http://canopenerboy.blogspot.com/2005/12/what-is-church_17.html

Blue Jewels and My Pot of Gold

Blue Jewels and My Pot of Gold

“Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There’s a place that I know of”… you know the rest. Have you ever felt like you’ve been following your rainbow forever? I do. When I am going to strike gold? When will I not have to worry anymore, be validated for who I am and want to become, and when will the rain stop? I don’t work. I am just a mom. I left a high paying job, status, and importance. We live from paycheck to paycheck, don’t have fancy toys (ok, maybe a few) and people think I sit around all day. Where is my stinking pot of gold!?

Then it hits me: two blue jewels. There they are deep and full of color, looking at me in anticipation as the mouth below them babbles “mama-ma-naa”. As I am right in the middle of wiping poop and changing my third diaper for the day, I realize…I have it all. I am always chasing after my next big conquest, my next big accomplishment, my next endeavor and I realize that I might be missing the treasures that are right in front of me. Sure, I’d like to go back to work -- God knows I need the break. Sure, I’d love more money, who wouldn’t?. Sure, I’d love to stop time so I could do it all, but I know the truth. The real truth: I will turn around and those lovely eyes of my beautiful daughter will be staring into someone else’s eyes. The baby will be gone. Her sweet smell and rolley polley movements will be distant memories. I don’t want to look back and remember my accomplishments and things I conquered, but the time I took to sit and watch her discover new things…The times when her brother stops what he’s doing to kiss her head… The times when I snuggled her on my chest and soaked up her simple outlook on life.

My treasure is being a mom. I have to tell myself this constantly. I forget it all the time. I complain about my time (how none of it truly is mine) --You know it’s bad when you want to back to work, so you’ll have a place to poop in peace. I complain about how I can’t keep the house clean, keep up with school work, and how we eat out more than we should. I complain about what I miss, what I’ve given up, and what could be. I am always thinking about tomorrow and the future and I am learning its time to start living for today.

I love both my children. They drive me to tears (frustration and joy). Not only am I shaping them, they are shaping me. I show them their place in Jesus’ arms and they, in turn, show me my place. I am humbled. I will never be the mom I want to be. I will never love perfectly. I will never live up to my standards of what a mom should be, but I am learning that this is ok. You see, It’s not really not about me anymore (the kicker of parenthood, I suppose). Humbled, alright.

My treasure is right here, right now. I won’t let it go un-noticed, I won’t deflate it’s value by pining for better things, and I won’t give it away. Those blue jewels sparkle before me, holding my heart on string. I commit to be reckless in other’s eyes, wear my heart on my sleeve, and love my children with everything I’ve got. There will be plenty of days when they are off on their own, for now they are mine.

I’m not chasing anymore. I am over the rainbow.