Forward

Moving forward, pulling back --I get discouraged. I want to live out what I am always rambling about. I want to tell others how I feel and what has been a revelation in my life over the last five years and then I get discouraged and don’t want to even bother sharing because it usually ends up with me defending my salvation. It’s a never-ending battle.

Conversation of frustration

Them: “What you are doing sounds neat”.
You: “Yep, that’s what I’m doing now”
Them: “But you really shouldn’t do that.”
You: “Umm… ok…but I thought you were all for it”
Them: “Yeah, but it’s not the way we wanted you to do it, therefore it’s probably not right… and umm… you might be in a cult”

Now you are bummed and want to stop doing what you are doing and go back to what you used to do, but then you would be even more bummed because you wouldn’t really be doing anything except looking good and that’s what you were trying to get away from in the first place.

Ok, so maybe the conversation is a little more subdued than that, but I know some of my friends think I am crazy, and I am sure there are a few people who think I have lost touch with God completely. Isn’t it sad, the things we associate or attribute “being close to God” with?

Change is painful. Standing up for following your convictions is even more painful. Maybe I’m totally wrong, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God will honor my intentions of trying to find out. I’m missing out on a lot of busy work and probably some major kudos (which would be nice right now) but I’ve never felt more real in my whole life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am who I am. I am going where I think I should and I am not ashamed of who I am becoming.

Rebel with a Cause

I’ve grown up in church and I’ve been trained not to question or if I question then ultimately I must agree with the answer that is given to me. About five years ago I started to wonder who made up these rules anyway? Since when did questioning fall into the catch-all of “borderline cult-sounding” or “universalism”?

Basically, some of the questions I have are pretty simple. Paul said “be prepared to give an answer”, but does that mean be prepared to walk people through the six step sinner’s prayer, or could it be; prepared to share the amazing reasons you believe in God and how He has loved you? Just one very simple example of the many questions I am answering for myself.

What is following Jesus? What is believing in Jesus? I believe there are all kinds of answers to these questions. However, multiple answers go against the standard model of church. There is an emphasis on one answer: The church’s answer. An effort to shut me up reverberates in my head: “You can’t fashion the Word to fit your life style.” Yeah, I receive that statement and boy do I agree, but not in the way you may think. Haven’t we been fashioning the Word throughout history? So maybe I’m just stepping out on a limb to un-fashion some of what has been fashioned in my life. Keith Green talked about how we say “accept Jesus” like it’s a contract. Isn’t it to “receive Jesus” ? It’s a free gift we keep trying to get others to sign up for. “Sign a contract for this no-obligation offer” -- Doesn’t click. From Christian semantics, to the modern thinking of “this is the way we do things, because this is how we were told” we are told to follow something that someone better and smarter and probably more spiritual has figured out for us. Uh… no… Consult the history books on that one.

Ok, make a note that I have now discovered that I have a lot more responsibility that I ever did before. Really…

God doesn’t need me, He asks me to be like him.

This is a lot harder now. Why? Because I don’t think Jesus would be out looking for people to take to church or trying to get plugged into some type of ministry. I believe he would (and is) be out being genuinely loving with people and establishing friendships because he cared for others not because he was trying to convince them he is right. Being like God requires me to really have love in my life. People will see a difference because of who I am not because of who I affiliate myself with. Being really real (not the catch-phrase in Christian circles: “authentic”) requires a lot more than I am used to.

God doesn’t require me to participate, He offers to work beside me.

When I left the traditional church I felt lost. I felt like I had to being doing something with a “ministry” in the title. I felt like someone my friends were judging me based on my involvement (or lack of) with the traditional church (which I completely understand because I have done this to others not too long ago). I felt an unseen pressure to make up a palatable explanation to other so they wouldn’t think I had lost my “faith”. Then I realized all of these feelings were partly why I left. I had lost the ability to really see others through Gods eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I loved people and saw really amazing things happen in church, but I most certainly had my limits. I have a friend that will probably never *accept Jesus* and until about five years ago she was in a separate section of my life-- The “secular portion” of my categorized life. I also have a good friend and neighbor who happens to be gay . Guess what? It’s not my job to judge or change him in any way. We are friends and we have a close enough relationship. I can share my thoughts and feelings with him. He knows what I believe and it hasn’t changed our friendship. We have each talked openly about our faiths. I have lots of opportunities to be his friend and show him love, because I care for him as a person and there are no conditions to our friendship. God is working in people all the time. He’s not wearing them down so they’ll submit to Him, but showing them how much He loves them and how that love comes without a “contract”. I can love people that way too.

I know I have tried to shove a ton of thoughts and tangents into one post, but I am going to continue to flesh it out no matter how uncomfortable and jumbled it may be.