Blue Jewels and My Pot of Gold

Blue Jewels and My Pot of Gold

“Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There’s a place that I know of”… you know the rest. Have you ever felt like you’ve been following your rainbow forever? I do. When I am going to strike gold? When will I not have to worry anymore, be validated for who I am and want to become, and when will the rain stop? I don’t work. I am just a mom. I left a high paying job, status, and importance. We live from paycheck to paycheck, don’t have fancy toys (ok, maybe a few) and people think I sit around all day. Where is my stinking pot of gold!?

Then it hits me: two blue jewels. There they are deep and full of color, looking at me in anticipation as the mouth below them babbles “mama-ma-naa”. As I am right in the middle of wiping poop and changing my third diaper for the day, I realize…I have it all. I am always chasing after my next big conquest, my next big accomplishment, my next endeavor and I realize that I might be missing the treasures that are right in front of me. Sure, I’d like to go back to work -- God knows I need the break. Sure, I’d love more money, who wouldn’t?. Sure, I’d love to stop time so I could do it all, but I know the truth. The real truth: I will turn around and those lovely eyes of my beautiful daughter will be staring into someone else’s eyes. The baby will be gone. Her sweet smell and rolley polley movements will be distant memories. I don’t want to look back and remember my accomplishments and things I conquered, but the time I took to sit and watch her discover new things…The times when her brother stops what he’s doing to kiss her head… The times when I snuggled her on my chest and soaked up her simple outlook on life.

My treasure is being a mom. I have to tell myself this constantly. I forget it all the time. I complain about my time (how none of it truly is mine) --You know it’s bad when you want to back to work, so you’ll have a place to poop in peace. I complain about how I can’t keep the house clean, keep up with school work, and how we eat out more than we should. I complain about what I miss, what I’ve given up, and what could be. I am always thinking about tomorrow and the future and I am learning its time to start living for today.

I love both my children. They drive me to tears (frustration and joy). Not only am I shaping them, they are shaping me. I show them their place in Jesus’ arms and they, in turn, show me my place. I am humbled. I will never be the mom I want to be. I will never love perfectly. I will never live up to my standards of what a mom should be, but I am learning that this is ok. You see, It’s not really not about me anymore (the kicker of parenthood, I suppose). Humbled, alright.

My treasure is right here, right now. I won’t let it go un-noticed, I won’t deflate it’s value by pining for better things, and I won’t give it away. Those blue jewels sparkle before me, holding my heart on string. I commit to be reckless in other’s eyes, wear my heart on my sleeve, and love my children with everything I’ve got. There will be plenty of days when they are off on their own, for now they are mine.

I’m not chasing anymore. I am over the rainbow.