Today is Numb

Today is numb. It is the last day of normal here at the house. Tonight we will break down our beds and get ready for the moving truck tomorrow. I’m not exactly numb completely, but a little cranky as well. I want to be left alone to savor my moments of sentiment and I can’t. First, the kids won’t let me. Second, I just have too ‘stinkin’ much to do. So I don’t even get to wallow and it pisses me off. Of course, I am feeling a little pressure too. Not only do I have a ton of moving stuff to do, but I have a paper for school to write. However, I seem to work better under pressure and shouldn’t have a problem getting it done, I would just like to feel like I have time to soak things up.

Timing is always funny to me. Sometimes things come along at what seems to be the wrong time or maybe not the best time. A couple of years ago, I wanted to move so badly. If in that moment someone told me we were going to move, I would have been falling over with joy. I still want to move, but now it’s in the midst of not feeling so desperate about it. I have expectations of how I should feel. I feel guilty for not being more excited and well… cheerleader-ish about the whole thing. I am finally going home and all I can do is walk around and smell the yard; stand in various corners of various rooms remembering where the Christmas tree was, where S and I sat by the fire talking, etc., and play moody music. The moody music part would happen either way. I always assign music to my experiences. When I left Redding I attached Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”. For some reason (if you know the song you’ll probably scratch your head), the last couple of week’s I’ve felt like The Killers have captured my mood with “Mr. Brightside”. It’s about losing love, but it fits.

So off into my strange day…