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I am here -- In a new town that is actually an old town, but new because I am different than who I was when I left. I am sitting here waiting on the phone with some jazzy muzak provided by the phone company and wondering where the heck am I? I am in transition. I still feel like I should be going home to Sacramento and that I am just here visiting. Of course it’s a strange visiting feeling, because I have my couch, bed, cats, dishes, and all the other contents of my house. We still are in limbo. My stomach told me so… or at least my intestines. Of course that could be the diet of pizza for breakfast and lucky charms and beer (not mixed) for dinner. Last night we had our first real meal since moving. It was good. I also remembered how much I hate dishes (washing them).

Fathers Day was interesting. Good, but I missed my Papa. I have lots of dad issues, but I am pretty much ok with those and don’t have bad feelings towards my dad and other dad figures in my life. It was hard because the last time I lived here my Papa was alive and now I’m back and he’s not here. Strange feeling.

I also had an epiphany moment too. We have a little porch outside of our bedroom here and it looks out on the western mountain range, my favorite part of town. The mountains got me through so much growing up. It sounds weird but they did. Growing up, I would drive somewhere I could see them and look at the beauty of a sunset or the contrast of green against blue skies. It is the same place I could look at from my childhood home, it is the place I could look to try to figure things out and as I stood on the porch at sunset last night I could see the mountains and could smell the pine trees and the distant smell of the lake and manzanitas and I realized… I am home. That part of me never changed. The things I love and hated leaving are within my grasp and I’ve been afraid to embrace them. The things I wanted are not the same, but the core of me is still here. Older, wiser, more foolish. I don’t have to fit the mold of what I thought it would be like coming home.